Are Routines a Myth in Motherhood?

The power of embracing flexibility in the chaos of motherhood

Are you a mom? If the answer is yes, you are probably very familiar with the many who claim they know what you need to be doing to fill your cup (read: You must have a routine. A routine is the solution to all of your mothering woes!) As a mom desperate for anything that will give you a sense of control or autonomy, the idea of both personal routines and routines for your child can come as a double-edged sword.

There have been many seasons within my measly three years of motherhood where routines have been feasible. And yes, they typically help keep my day on a high note.

The problem, though, is the expectation of what a routine is. By definition, a routine is “a fixed program” and well, there really is nothing “fixed” in motherhood.

Sure, you may have a fixed routine for a week or two. Maybe even months. But any longer than that and your fixed routine is likely turned on its head. And if your internal thoughts are, “This routine is the only thing that sets me up for a good day" then when your routine fails, it’s extremely easy to feel like you’re the failure.

I have been caught up in this mindset so. many. times. And the truth is, there are so many factors you can’t control when it comes to routines in motherhood. Routines give a false sense of control that then easily become personal failures — with the power to throw off your entire day/week/month — when they go awry.

For example, for months I’ve woken up at 6am. This used to give me about an hour of alone time in the morning. For a while, I’d read my Bible or do a study. Then, I started filling my time with a coffee and reading. And most recently, I set a goal to get back into sketching. I wanted to sit on the couch, cozied up with a blanket and a hot cup of coffee, and draw.

My toddler had other plans.

Not only has she started waking (sometimes multiple times) during the night, but her new wake time is 5:30am. I got one morning of sketching in before my “routine” was completely wrecked. And honestly, I let it get to me.

“How will I ever be creative again if I have to squeeze my hobbies into pockets of the day that don’t exist!”

“My only quiet time of the day no longer exists, my days are sure to start feeling so much longer and exhausting!”

It’s easy to find advice that would tell me I just needed to wake up earlier. Or have a better bedtime routine. Or [fill in the blank with what I’m not doing that I should be doing].

Instead, I chose to remind myself, routines in motherhood are a myth.

They don’t exist. And if you have one, it will change. That’s the reality of motherhood. It’s relentless and tiring and magical and fulfilling all at once.

Knowing this allows me to give myself so much more grace and understanding that my time for a routine I enjoy will one day come back my way. It’s just not right now. And that’s okay. Next time you see someone touting a “morning routine” as the only way to be a happy, successful, or fulfilled mother, remind yourself of this.

Routines definitely help you feel more in control of motherhood. They allow for margin and space when everything else feels chaotic. But they are not the be-all end-all of self-care or fulfillment.

I hope this article acts as encouragement when you’re feeling down about a failing routine, lack of margin, or an increase in exhaustion. It’s not you, it’s just motherhood.

The most powerful thing you can do is accept the flexibility needed to manage the ever-changing landscape of it all.